In a Perfect World ...

I'm an optimistic guy (most of the time) and I like to keep things positive (as best I can), that's why I named this post "In a Perfect World ..." instead of "List of My Pet Peeves."

I'm not alone. Everyone has something that annoys them about the Browns, going to Browns games, watching Browns games, following the Browns ...

But, instead of simply listing my annoyances, I'd going to put a positive spin on it (after all, I'm not the negative asshole some people think I am). So, here is a list of things that would happen if this were a perfect world.

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Opposing fans would not be allowed in the stadium. I'm serious. If an opposing fan is caught attending a Browns game, they will not be punished. Instead, whomever they acquired the ticket from will be hunted down and fined heavily, after spending 3-4 months in prison.

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Steelers fans would all live in Pittsburgh. Additionally, if you're seen in public anywhere in Northeast Ohio wearing any kind of Steelers paraphernalia, anyone has the legal right to punch you as hard as they can and you will not be allowed to defend yourself or retaliate.

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When attending Browns games, it is not acceptable to wear Ohio State clothing. If you do not own any Browns gear, you must either go buy some or wear no sports apparel whatsoever.

Let me be clear, the Browns have absolutely nothing to do with Ohio State. Not all Browns fans are Buckeye fans, just as not all Buckeye fans are Browns fans. Supporting one at the other's game is not acceptable.

In addition, the song "Hang on Sloopy" is forbidden at Browns games.

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On a similar note, anyone who says, "I bet Ohio State could beat the Browns," shall be subject to caning on Public Square. It's a ridiculous statement, and you deserve to be beaten if you utter it (even if you're drunk and the Browns are losing by 40+ points).

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As part of the new collective bargaining agreement, the NFL shall buy back any purchased NFL jersey if the player is traded, cut or leaves via free agency within five years of joining said team.

For example, let's say you purchased a Jeff Faine Browns jersey and were only able to wear it a couple of years before the team traded him. Under the new rules, the NFL would have bought that jersey back so that you can buy a jersey of someone else. Again, if you shelled out money for am authentic Brady Quinn Browns jersey, you would have been reimbursed by the NFL after the Browns traded him away after three seasons.

Just saying ... I'm tired of buying jerseys every couple of years ;-)

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Personal seat licenses would be banned. I mean, paying for the privilege of buying tickets? Come on ...

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The Dawg Pound will be torn down and rebuilt so that it is no longer two decks. That's the way it should be — I know it, you know it, we all know it ... the Dawg Pound does not have an upper deck.

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Television networks are forbidden from showing footage of John "Big Dawg" Thompson every time they broadcast from Cleveland Browns Stadium. We get it. He's a big browns fan. We all are.

None of us elected him as our representative.

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The NFL Sunday Ticket will be abolished. Hear me out — I like the ability to watch any game I want as much as the next football fan, however, this is what's ruining America's children.

No longer do children grow up loyal to the home team. In today's society, we stress winning above all else — even loyalty to one's roots — and with the NFL Sunday Ticket, kids can watch only the best teams, and feel good about themselves because they cheer for a winner. Where's the loyalty?

Don't believe me? Look at LeBron James — He grew up in Akron, but he rooted for the Cowboys, Yankees and Bulls growing up. He was a front-runner and it's pretty obvious why he felt no loyalty to the Cavaliers.

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Broadcast announcers won't call Browns games as if they're being punished. We know you don't want to cover this game — and we realize it might not be the most exciting match-up in the NFL on any given Sunday. To us, however, it is the most exciting game on because it's our Browns.

Stop insulting us and pretend you care.

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Announcers will not be allowed to refer to a player as a former (insert old team here). I don't care if Scott Fuita won a Super Bowl with the Saints. He plays for the Browns now.

He's Scott Fujita, the Cleveland Browns linebacker, not Scott Fujita, the former New Orleans Saint.

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The Browns will never again — and I mean never — wear the brown pants, nor will they ever wear the orange jerseys. Both are hideous.

In fact, in a perfect world the Browns would always wear the white jerseys with the white pants. Classic.

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Lastly (for today, anyway), in a perfect world the Browns would be competitive in every game and a playoff appearance would be an annual thing.

Heck, in a perfect world, the Browns would win the Super Bowl.

Go Browns!